“Come together, right now, over me.”
The Beatles
Being united as a parenting team is vital to raising a family that is connected, supportive, and in rhythm with one another. A family that is characterized by teamwork will be united in values and vision. And so will also be united in the systems and rhythms that exist to help live out those values and that vision. In a family, this kind of unity is vital!
Being ‘united’ doesn’t mean being ‘the same’
Like every kind of team, a parenting team is made up of individuals. Every individual comes with their own history, and their own unique feelings and perspectives about life and family. We have all been shaped by the families in which we were raised. And from our families of origin, we also bring uniquely shaped values, habits, preferences, capacities, assumptions, dreams, ideas and desires.
Yes, people are complex! And so, becoming and staying united as a parenting team is actually very hard. It typically does not come easily or happen naturally. With this in mind, it’s important to remember that being a parenting team does not mean we are the same. We will not always feel the same, think the same, want the same, or respond the same to life.
Being a team means that though we are not the same, we have become united in who we want to be and become as a family!
Being united is not happenstance
Unity is a word that sounds whimsical, even a little celestial. It is something we all want, and hope will just nicely fall into place. This unintentional ‘falling into place,’ however, will almost never be the case. Unity between parenting teammates isn’t just a thing that some partners are lucky to have and others aren’t.
It takes ongoing effort and creative cultivation! It takes a choice – a decision made by two people who are committed to one another. The decision that unity is worth the time, the self reflection, the conversation, the compromise, and the care that it takes to pursue.
Unity requires cultivation
Unity requires cultivation. It requires learning the skill of recognizing and sensing disunity when it is small. And then, bravery to take the next step of starting a dialogue about it. To be united, we need to communicate with one another, consistently, thoroughly, and kindly.
Sometimes this means proactively checking in about expectations with your spouse or child before an event to make sure your expectations are aligned. Other times it means bringing up a topic after an event to smooth out how to approach it in a more united way next round. It could mean trying new things and experimenting with new ways of doing things to see how it feels to everyone in your family. Whether before, during, or after, it involves a choice to seek, to pursue, and over time, to cultivate unity and its positive effects on ourselves, our kids, and the home we create together.
Growth Questions in Pursuit of Unity
There is an art to stepping into topics that, by definition, might be seen differently by different people. Take courage in the fact that the kind of communication that can help lead us toward unity is something that can be practiced, learned, and refined. Be mindful of the fact that you have a long time to learn it together, as a whole family. After all, at each stage of the children’s growth and development, the conversations will look different and need some refreshment!
Let’s remember that some of the most valuable things in life often require hard work, and the benefits of pursuing unity over time are deeply bonding and fulfilling. Here are some good kickstarter questions – We highly recommend getting insight from your kids’ perspectives too!
- Can we think of any times when our kids get a different message from each of us as parents?
- In moments, do we apply different rules or standards to us as parents than we do to our kids? In the context we’re thinking of, is it appropriate?
- Do we ever say to a family member “don’t tell mom / dad / brother / sister?” If so, let’s talk as a family about how to get on the same page about whatever it is that we aren’t being transparent about.
- What is different about our routine when one parent is busy or away? And is this helpful or unhelpful to the family?
- Am I holding back from engaging in any specific topics with my parenting teammate?
Encouragement
The choice to pursue unity, even when it is challenging, elusive, or unclear, has potentially huge impacts on how our families learn to communicate and relate. Do you feel disconnected from your partner in an area of family life? Try engaging one of the questions above with your mate and see where it leads!
Much love from,
Brianna and Ben
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