At first glance, emotional authenticity and emotional consistency are contrasting concepts. When we pursue authenticity, we lean into how we are really doing and what we are really feeling. And obviously, in life, this fluctuates. If we acknowledge that our emotions change, and consistency means staying the same, how can we be both, authentic and consistent?
Sharing emotions (the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’) leads to authentic connection
We talk a lot more about emotions now (in general) than we may have one or two generations ago. Many baby boomers and millennials grew up believing that there are ‘good’ emotions and ‘bad’ emotions. We used to think the right thing to do when we felt the ‘bad’ emotions was to avoid/deny them, or push them down and suppress them. And then, we would feel ashamed that we ever felt them at all.
Today, there is a a much stronger emphasis on acknowledging our emotions in order to move through them in a healthy way. Now we understand the importance of acknowledging all our emotions. We also feel more permission to experience them fully, honestly name them, and share them.
It certainly doesn’t build connection when we give and receive the automatic, pat answer of, “I’m good” every time we see our friends, even our families. Pleasantries just don’t cut it. We are all hungry for authentic connection. Sometimes this means we share the ‘good’ emotions – the joy, the peace, the fun, the victory. Other times, we share the ‘bad’ emotions – the sadness, the anxiousness, the confusion, the defeat.
Whatever the emotions are, connection happens when we share them. And this sharing leads to relationships that are real, truthful, and authentic.
Authenticity is best mixed with respect
We all have emotions and moods that flux and change. We are human! Placing high value on authenticity and voicing our truest, rawest emotions with others cultivates intimacy. This can be a very beautiful thing.
Sometimes, however, we end up expressing our ‘raw emotions’ in a way that hurts those we love. It’s been said that the people we are closest to often get the worst parts of ourselves. This is true in our experience.
Our life partner is who we are most comfortable and free to be our unedited, unfiltered selves with. This freedom to be raw and real about how we are feeling, means we are present with one another for the ups and downs. But when this is paired with ups and downs in the respect and kindness our partner can expect from us, we need to reevaluate our understanding of authenticity. Authenticity is important. And still, it is not a reason to set aside respect and treat any person in ways that can be hurtful.
Authenticity in sharing – Consistency in responding
Here’s an example: Let’s say our partner notices we are stressed out one day while cooking dinner, and wraps us up in a big hug. We embrace them back and stay holding one another for a good long minute before carrying on with what we were doing. They can tell we feel lighter after receiving that gesture of affection and care. Next time our partner notices the same vibe in the kitchen, they come to wrap us up in a big hug again. This time, they receive an irritated look, stiff push, and response of, “Don’t touch me, I’m cooking!” Somehow, now, not only is the vibe in the kitchen even worse, but we’ve hurt our partner and there’s tension between us.
We can always respond with respect
This kind of inconsistency in our response to our partner is tough. It is confusing, disconnecting, and gives our partners mixed messages in how they can tangibly care for us.
Is it fair / valid for us to want a hug one day and not want a hug another day? Absolutely, it is! And there is always a way we can communicate our varying desires to our partner in a way that is reliable and respectful, even if it’s sometimes challenging. In a moment like that, what could be said that acknowledges your loved ones intention to care, but clearly asks for something different from them this time? It’s a hard thing to do, but it is something that can be learned.
We can learn to be mindfully aware of our own emotions, ideally even try to name them, so that when someone who cares does reach out authentically, we are actually in a position to describe what we are feeling and wanting! It’s fair as well, when we haven’t had the time or space to even become mindful of what’s happening within us, to ask for exactly that: some time, or some space. In the end, that’s an example of authenticity too, but one that we can be more proud of.
Even as we experience the whole spectrum of emotions in life, we want to value and pursue consistency in how we relate to and respond to our partner. This will help us establish healthy patterns and offer tangible love and support. And these patterns will strengthen the stability and security we have in our relationship, rather than complicating and confusing it.
Encouragement
Which do you struggle with more? Authentically sharing with your teammate? Or responding to them in a consistent way? It can be incredibly connective talking with your loved one about something you personally have said/done, and how you would like to “redo” it in the future. Pick one from last week, or find one this week!
Much love from,
Brianna and Ben
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