Rhythmic INDIVIDUALITY: Sameness May Seem Easy, But Is Not Always a Sign of Strength (3 of 7)

1. Purpose 2. Unity 3. Individuality 4. Curiosity 5. Care 6. Consistency 7. Authenticity.

Our individuality is something that we each bring to our relationships. We tend to enjoy finding other individuals who are similar to us and as society, we organize ourselves into groups based on our similarities … similar hobbies, passions, professions, skills, beliefs, etc.

Although agreeing may feel easier than disagreeing and requires less effort in relationship, agreeing is not always a sign of strength.

Our individuality can strengthen our unity

Early on in our dating years, we both believed the goal, the dream, was to find a partner and have a relationship in which we naturally just agreed on, ideally, everything!

‘Sameness’ felt like an indicator of relational strength. The more we agreed on, the healthier we thought our relationship would be. And if we experienced more than just a small disagreement – if we actually had a full fledged conflict – things were not looking good. 🙃

But, as our relationship progressed and matured, we realized there is also a lot of beauty in supporting each other’s individuality. There is something invigorating when two, unique individuals, who think or feel differently, find a way to work together. It can be deeply connective when two different perspectives are respectfully brought together and a new one is forged – one that brings together the strengths from each perspective and also the people who hold them, and builds something even more robust and impactful.

It’s not whether we disagree, but how

While agreeing is a good thing, disagreeing is not a bad thing. 

It’s not whether we disagree, but how we disagree that is significant. If our relationship is truly agreeable and lacking in conflict, there is even the chance we may miss out on an opportunity to grow in health and unity in our unique individuality by working through something tough together. Conquering something challenging with another person is strengthening and connective!

Parenting teamwork is not easy, because we are not the same. We are two individuals trying our best to lead young human beings, while cultivating as much togetherness as possible. When we exemplify respectful disagreements, this can be a beautiful demonstration of unity, one that hopefully shows our young humans that ‘togetherness’ does not mean a lack of diversity!

With humility, respect, and engaged communication, we can disagree well.  

Being in conflict with one another never feels good.  But having worked through something difficult and coming out the other side united sure does. We have found that the connection we experience after we’ve worked through a conflict can be more deeply connecting than topics on which agreement came easily.

Rhythmically practicing humility and balance

One way to self-check our togetherness-in-our-individualness balance is to ask ourselves, “Have I acknowledged some good leadership/ideas/decisions made by my parenting teammate lately?” And, “Have I exemplified humility by acknowledging any instances where my decisions did not turn outr to be the best course of action?”  

Maintaining a balanced and realistic perspective on our own strengths and shortcomings will ease the stress we put on ourselves as individuals to make the ‘right call’ or the ‘right decision.’ We don’t need to always get it right because we are part of a team with our partner.

This humility and balance, this acknowledgement that it doesn’t all rest on our shoulders, lowers the stakes of making mistakes. We are no longer striving to always know what’s best, or to always have the answers. Rather, we can make the best decisions we can in each moment, and allow ourselves to be the imperfect humans that we are, alongside a loving and caring teammate.

It also shows our kids something very important – that we know we are not perfect, and that we know we are still lovable. 

We can learn to disagree well

Best case scenario as a parenting team is, of course, to reach a place of agreement. We want this to happen as consistently and ‘rhythmically’ as we can. The moments we end up having to ‘agree to disagree‘ are moments we can’t really see coming or prepare for in a rhythmic way. 

What we can do is remember that we and our partners are individuals – We will not always experience life and respond to life in the same way. Once we come to peace with this, we can grow. Once we reach the place of actually believe that disagreeing is ok, can be done well, and can even be a part of strengthening our relationship, we can grow to trust our partner in the times they lead us, and respectfully follow them.

4 Examples of humble individuality in action:

1. When you feel yourself escalating outside of respectful dialogue say, “I can’t commit to this idea, but I can commit to talking with you about it more. Right now I need a break.” 
2. When a child has an idea that’s doable, even if not ideal, say, “Lets give that a try, see how it goes, and try something different next time.”
3. When moving ahead with your idea goes well, get your heart in the right place and say, “Thanks for showing faith in me.”
4. When moving ahead with your idea goes poorly, take a deep breath to self-control defensiveness and verbalize, “That didn’t work as well as I’d hoped… what do you think we should try next time?”

Encouragement

It’s often surprising how impactful even a small recognition of our partner’s leadership can be. Think of something which your spouse has, over time, influenced your perspective about in a positive way, and tell them about it. 

Much love from,

Brianna and Ben