Is it Really Unity When We ‘Agree to Disagree?’

“Let’s change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing.”

Black Eyed Peas, Union

Is it really unity when the best outcome we can reach is to ‘agree to disagree?’ It is important (and possible!) for parenting teammates to become united on decisions, even when we don’t see things the same. This sure sounds nice, doesn’t it? However, we have probably all found ourselves in a headlock with our teammate at some point.

Is it enough to ‘agree to disagree?’

It can seem like no matter how many ways we explain, and re-explain, our position, we just can’t convince our partner to see things the way we do. It feels like we reach an impasse and there’s nothing left to do but ‘agree to disagree.’ Submitting to this cliche used to really grind us – It felt like a teamwork failure when we couldn’t reach a place of actually agreeing about the best decision or way forward.

We have learned, however, that ‘agreeing to disagree,’ actually is one way we can pursue unity. And yes, we believe it is real unity. How? What is the catch?

We disagree with respect, trust, and kindness. (For us, laughter also helps us reconnect after some of our more tense decision-making moments). Once we’ve realized and accepted we will not be reaching an agreement on this one, we zoom out, set aside our pride, refocus on the end goal, and make our plan.

The power of a shared purpose & united goal

The fundamental question we are driving at is, “can we really be united if we disagree?” The answer is yes!

Here is another sports team analogy. It’s the last play of the game and the team is in a huddle. The players are all pitching their best ideas … draw a foul for a free kick, pass to the star player, fake a shot and pass, dribble in and shoot. Obviously, each player believes their idea is the best one. When deliberation time is up, the coach makes the call and the play is set. Does everyone agree? Probably not. But, everyone commits to doing their part to execute the plan. Why? Because they are a team with a shared purpose and united goal.

Each teammate wants the ‘win’ and even though they may not agree on the best way to get there, they know they can accomplish more together and united, than apart and fragmented. If they each try to carry out the play they liked best, chaos will ensue, teammates will become frustrated and resentful, and they won’t reach the goal.

It is our shared purpose and goals for our family, our united values and vision, that will keep us moving in the same direction, even when we disagree on the best way to get there. The important thing is that we do get there, and that when we do, each teammate feels respected and the relationship is in tact.

Someone may have to change/flex/yield/bend

So what happens when we ‘agree to disagree,’ but we can’t just shelf the discussion altogether because we actually need to make a decision? Someone will need to change, flex, submit, yield, or bend to their teammate. We will need to compromise.

Our culture likes to highlight individuality and celebrate independence. We take pride in making decisions and achieving success, and doing it all on our own. Our society loves the ‘self.’ But when we choose to team up with another person, we are choosing to become part of a union.

Union … individual parts becoming a whole. Two becoming one. But remember, this doesn’t mean we will become the same.  This kind of union, two becoming one, is beautiful, mysterious, challenging, and intimate.  It takes trust, coordination, collaboration, and the willingness of each teammate to take their turn leading, and take their turn following. And following will sometimes mean changing, flexing, or submitting to your teammate’s leading. 

Submitting to one another is an act of love & unity

The idea of submitting to another person has landed in the category of ‘unpopular opinion’ today. But perhaps this is because we misunderstand the meaning. When we submit to our partner, it does not mean we elevate them above ourselves or consider ourselves ‘less than’. It means we respect them enough to create space for them to lead. We believe their intentions are in line with the vision and values we have set together for our family. Maybe their how is different than we would choose, but their what is the same. 

Ephesians 5:21 says, “Follow the lead of one another because of your respect for Christ” (NIRV). And in another translation, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (NIV). This following and submitting is happening in turn. Both teammates on the team will submit and follow, and both will lead. And all of it is rooted in our reverence and respect for Jesus.

Submitting to one another is an act of trust, love, and unity. When we find ourselves agreeing to disagree, one teammate will submit, change, flex, yield, or bend to the other.  And this is beautiful. This is unity.  

Encouragement

Being an excellent leader, and being an excellent follower both take practice. Which one are you naturally better at and which one needs more work?

Much love from,

Brianna and Ben