Care is a quality of teamwork that is essential to family. It is even more essential to marriage and family teams than to other kinds of teams that are not quite as … constant. 😜
Most teams agree to terms and time constraints
Most teams agree to the terms under which they will collaborate. They function within certain space and time constraints that they, as a team, have agreed to work within. Athletes meet at the gym for training for x amount of hours, then go home. Business professionals head to the office during business hours, then go home. Entrepreneurs head to a coffee shop for meetings, then go home. While the world has moved rapidly over the last few years towards embracing a more virtual and open ended way of connecting as teams, there are still terms we agree to. Most teams put boundaries in place to make the work, the teamwork, manageable and sustainable.
Marriage teams, parenting teams, and family teams, however, are a little bit unique … as in, a little bit constant! We can pursue balance as a family, and work as a parenting team to offer one another variety in our days. However, it’s really hard to set terms and put time constraints on relating to our partner, parenting our kids, and being a family. And the truth is, we don’t want to put limits or terms on these most beautiful kinds of teams!
What we do want is to be unconditionally loving, constantly supportive, present and always there for our lovers and our kids. In light of the constancy of family life, we want to know how to care for our teammate. And, we want to be cared for on a team that is more about how we live than what we accomplish.
Rather than establish the terms, we need to learn to care
Teammates care about one another, this is true on all kinds of teams. But it is our loved ones we look to the most to care for us and to help meet our deepest needs. They are typically the ones who know and understand us the most. Our closest relationships are both the most risky and the most rewarding.
It is in these types of relationships that we can learn the most about our life partners and ourselves. Often there are blind spots we need to unearth, assumptions we need to recognize, and old habits that take a lot of intentionality to replace. Sometimes there are family of origin tendencies or patterns that aren’t helping us now. It takes some discipline to switch from emotional auto-pilot to become a student of your partner.
But the funny thing is, we are not learning from them so much as about them and with them. The things we learn in close relationships, we likely will never learn elsewhere! It takes the challenge of constancy to lead to healthy confrontations, commitment to lead to shared breakthroughs, and courage to move into uncharted territories together. Going on this journey with someone has the potential to be one of the biggest blessings of our lives.
The kind of care we need is active
This kind of evolution is easier spoken about than lived out. ‘Care’ is a vague buzzword, and the nuances of what it means can change depending on the context. Here, we are talking about care – the verb! The kind of care we need from our life partners is not only a kind thought or an empathetic feeling. Those things are connective. But, we also need to actively care and show up tangibly for them and them for us.
To show up tangibly for our partners in a way that will actually communicate the care we want to give, we need to understand what they need and what they want. Understanding our mate’s love languages is a great start, as is the enneagram. These frameworks can help us apply our efforts and pour out our love in a way that will be most meaningfully received.
After all, love puts another first – Our actions become less about what we think someone should want, or even how we think someone should react, and more about learning what another person needs.
Caring can be mutually fulfilling
When we understand what will really speak to our teammate, it also inspires us to show this kind of care more often. The questions we can challenge ourselves with become things like: How can the things I do help my loved one thrive? How can I influence our environment to bring the best out of us both?
And in the end, making someone we love feel cared for feels good to us too! Actively caring for one another can actually become a joy, rather than a burden, when we know how and where to focus our efforts of love. And, when our partners receive our care in a way that makes an impact and fills them up, we will want to show it more often!
Receiving care will look different for everyone
Care will look different for every person. It can be very interesting to find out what care looks like for your person and your people.
Example 1
Sometimes all Brianna needs is for me to progress or accomplish something that’s on her mind (build something or clean or declutter something). This makes her feel calm, accomplished, and cared for. After years of not understanding how ‘doing more work’ would make her feel cared for, we learned she’s an enneagram 1. This helped it all make sense – People who resonate with the enneagram 1 notice things that could be improved and have a strong desire to make those changes, to make things the best they can be. Now I find a lot of joy in helping make her vision for our home a reality. I (often, but not always 😜) enjoy helping her check things off her list.
I also care for her by guiding her to take a break and celebrate accomplishments. When I encourage (force) her to do something else that she loves (even something as simple as leaving the house to get a coffee, or sit on the patio or play with the kids while I make breakfast), some of the weight of ‘needing to accomplish’ she carries on her shoulders is lifted and our whole family can feel it.
Example 2
When we discovered that Ben is an enneagram 5, I suddenly understood his desire to ‘know the finish line’ (what we call the defining of what we need to accomplish before we can be content and move into rest for the remainder of the day). And also, his tendency to slip away from a family or group gathering for a seven minute recharge (yes, seven minutes is all he seems to need)! 😆 You could describe Ben as an introvert who really loves being with people. He wants to spend time with people, and also needs some intentional space and time alone. I now understand that there are times when I can care for Ben by supporting that he take some time for himself, to rest and recharge.
I used to feel frustrated when Ben expressed he needed a quick retreat or moment to himself. Because, when he comes home from a big day at work, he should be ready to instantly dive in to playing with three energetic kids, right? 🙃 Now, when Ben tells me he needs a recharge, I don’t feel this way. I trust that he will be efficient and focused in regaining the energy he needs to be present and the best he can be for our family.
I also get a lot of joy from caring for Ben by freeing him up to enjoy passions like music and sports. He comes home from these activities energized in a way that positively overflows to our relationship and our kids. So, caring for him, which can feel sacrificial at times, actually benefits and blesses our whole family in the long run.
We would never have come to these super helpful realizations without pursuing better understanding of each other! It has certainly made a difference.
Encouragement
There are many sources of wisdom to be applied to our relationships: books, counsellors and mentors, God’s Word, trusted family/friends, and maybe most importantly, honest, curious, face-to-face conversation! Which one have you been under-utilizing? Go tap into it now!
Much love from,
Brianna and Ben
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