Consistency Strengthens Kids’ Security – How About the Parents’?

Consistency is a core quality of parenting, but it’s important for the relational health of parents, too. We’ve all heard the parenting advice many times over, “whatever you do, be consistent!” Many families take this to heart and strive for some consistency in their homes (consistency in things like expectations, consequences, responsibilities, and daily routines). But do we believe consistency is significant in our adult relationships, too? Is it something we are pursuing together as life partners and parenting teammates?

Consistency is key for the kids – Same goes for parents

When our kids experience consistency from us, they learn that we are dependable and reliable. This leads to trust, which leads to security. When kids are young, their parents really are their whole world. And so, bringing stability to their world means that we, ourselves, are a solid and stable presence in their lives.

We want our kids to have full faith that if we say we will do something, we will do it. To believe that we mean what we say and will follow through. We want them to be confident to approach us with anything, knowing the way we speak and respond to them is consistent and reliable, not an emotional gamble. And, that all these kinds of things will be the same tomorrow and as they are today.

The big ‘real’ world can feel very unstable and full of change and uncertainty. So it is important to create a home, a safe place, where our kids know that their relationships are consistent and steady, that they belong, what they are responsible for, and that they have what they need to thrive. Having a space like this helps our kids feel safe and secure, confident and capable.

The truth is, these things are also all true in our adult relationships, especially the one with our life partner.

Most of us value consistency more than we realize

Consistency isn’t really a ‘sexy’ topic. 😜 It can feel like a pretty mundane, ordinary, ‘adult’ concept that doesn’t do much to rouse our sense of excitement. While we might not think or talk about it a lot, most of us value consistency, probably more than we realize. We like our coffee to taste the same every morning. If we run out of milk and have to diverge from our typical cereal breakfast, we aren’t too happy. We buy the same flavour toothpaste every time. And we like to sleep on the same pillow every night. 🤣 We want these little things to be consistent and if they aren’t, we can feel a bit off kilter. None of us want to wonder, maybe even worry, about things like whether tonight’s pillow will end up being just way too poofy and we’ll wake up, neck-kinked (talking like true mid-thirty and ups 🙃).

These are small examples, but they highlight the often unspoken expectations we have in life. We want to know what to expect and have some things in life feel predictable. We value, consciously and often subconsciously, consistency.

Consistency in partnership

If we want to know what to expect from the little things in life, being able to rely on our partner, who we do life with, is that much more vital. The character quality of dependability is important for trust, and it is very apparent when it’s missing.  Consistency is one example of dependability in action. By growing comfortable to be dependent, we strengthen trust, the most fundamental building block of a healthy relationship.

Intentionally discussing and making decisions about each parent’s role is a great place to start in pursuing consistency. Knowing and committing to what we will each be responsible for is very helpful. And, practically speaking, this eliminates the need for redundant communication about things that are recurring, which clears up our brain space and makes room for more meaningful conversation with our spouse. 

Practical examples of consistent roles

Here are some examples from our home. I don’t think about taking out the garbage on Monday nights because Ben consistently does this. He doesn’t initiate doing laundry – that’s something I keep on top of throughout my days at home. For the roles we share and take turns doing, we figure out together when each person is responsible for carrying it out. An example of ours is: whoever gets out of bed last on any given morning is responsible for making the bed. 

These are just a couple of ‘roles,’ but there are so many – planning meals, cleaning the house, maintaining the vehicle, doing taxes, grocery shopping, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, buying kids clothes as they outgrow them, keeping home supplies stocked, cooking, putting kids to bed, cleaning dishes, and on, and on, and on. Deciding and committing to our roles, or making an agreement about who will do the shared tasks and when, is helpful, even vital.

But even more important than determining our roles, is the consistency in carrying them out. 

Consistency makes an impact

Some positives of having consistency in our roles and actions are:

1. A more automated and smoothly running home.
2. Less communication confusion and conflict.
3. A building appreciation for our partner as a teammate.
4. Deeper trust and stability in our relationship. 

The negatives of inconsistency are:

1. Surprise tasks that can take over time we want to spend on other things.
2. Extra or repeat communication (which can get tense) about basic life details.
3. Feelings of frustration based on unmet expectations.
4. Resentment when we end up doing a task that we thought our partner committed to.  

Simply put, moments of consistency either build trust up or break it down. The good news is, the smallest of consistent actions, done over time, can have a huge relationship-building impact.

Encouragement

Dependable. Reliable. Trusting. Trustworthy … these are all character descriptors we aspire to! 

There is some small, simple action that, if done consistently, would be helpful to your family or meaningful to your life partner.  Take on the challenge of finding one and committing to it. The time it takes might be minimal, and the positive impact of it could be generational!

Much love from,

Brianna and Ben