“I don’t know you, but I want you
All the more for that“
Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová – Falling Slowly
Curiosity is not often listed among the most important characteristics of a healthy relationship. Have you ever wondered why not?!
When curiosity is present, deeper connection seems to be, too!
Curiosity comes easily at the beginning
When we were dating, we asked one another so many questions! We were curious and wanted to learn everything about each other. Our first year of dating was spent long distance, so the majority of our time together was spent on the phone. We talked about our days, childhoods, friends, families, personalities, struggles, faiths, work, travels, insecurities, hopes, and dreams for the future. We even read Gary Chapmans’s book “The Five Love Languages,” (a relationship classic) together over the phone. 😆
For many couples, a lot of effort is put into learning about one another and understanding one another at the beginning of their relationship, when they are dating. And this makes sense – Most dating couples are trying to determine whether they want to marry one another, an enormous life decision!
Stay curious even when life is normal
Once the decision is made to become partners and life together gets rolling, we naturally begin to settle into ‘normal’. The novelty of never having to say goodbye at the end of the day begins to wane. Rather than staying up late into the night to finish a conversation, we want to head to bed on time for work the next morning. Life gets practical, and that is not a bad thing. (In fact, we love talking about ways to make the practicalities of life more smooth, intentional, and rhythmic 😉)
However, along with the comfort and constancy of being in a committed life partnership and doing normal life together, comes the risk that we allow our curiosity about one another to fade. We once heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
Curiosity is important! To grow marriages that are strong, healthy, passionate, and connective, we need to stay curious.
Curiosity leads to deeper understanding, and understanding leads to deeper connection
For a few years, we dove pretty deep into the enneagram, usually on road trips! We’ve found people either really love it, or really don’t.😜 We love it because we believe understanding it can transform and strengthen relationships, and we have experienced this in our own!
There are lots of reasons why the enneagram caught and held our attention. But, if we had to sift all our reasons down to one, it would be this: the way the enneagram helped us understand one another reignited our curiosity about one another!
This renewed curiosity led to understanding one another more deeply and more thoroughly, which equipped and inspired us to care for one another better. And when we are actively caring for each other, and feeling cared for ourselves, we experience deeper connection and can be better, more united teammates.
Understanding the motive, the heart
One thing that intrigues us about the enneagram is that it focuses less on a person’s outward actions and behaviours, the things we often consider the expression of our personalities. Instead, it asks each person to honestly introspect and discern what it is that most fundamentally drives them. The 9 motivators differentiated in the enneagram are to be 1. good 2. loved 3. successful 4. unique 5. capable 6. secure 7. satisfied 8. in control or 9. peaceful. And on the flip side, each person’s greatest fear is becoming the opposite of these fundamental drives.
Here are a few resources to check out if you’re curious 😉: Enneagram Institute website and Enneagram and Coffee podcast.
Understanding our teammate brings more empathy, and more grace
Wouldn’t it be nice to know what’s going on in our partner’s head? And maybe even more so, what’s going on in their heart? Any map for understanding has huge potential to amplify good moments and give more context for working through bad ones. The focus of the enneagram is on deep emotional drives and motives, which is why it is so effective. When we understand why are partner is doing what they are doing, or feeling what they are feeling, we often will have more empathy and grace for them, and respond in a more loving and caring way.
Our emotions and motives often have a bigger bearing on our actions and behaviour than the basic facts and details of a situation. So cultivating curiosity and clarifying the context of our teammate’s emotions can really bring us together! It can smooth out the path to more grace for the things that they do that might otherwise bug us. It can also guide us toward areas of fun and shared passion.
This understanding of one another leads to a stronger desire for partners and parenting teammates to care for one another. And also, importantly, to learn to communicate the kind of care we need ourselves!
Curiosity is a conduit to connection
It is healthy to remain open to frameworks that help grow our understanding of loved ones, the enneagram being just one of many examples. But most importantly, curiosity is the real starting point, the gate, the conduit to growing connection!
It’s only possible when our hearts are in a posture of genuine curiosity. Whether in a rough patch relationally or a season of smooth sailing, checking our internal curiosity about our partner (how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, what’s discouraging them, what’s inspiring them) can be greatly re-orienting. Asking them a question about themselves (best case scenario is on an actual date ☺️) is a positive next step toward connection.
Encouragement
There is something very intriguing about your mate that you have never discovered until this moment. Find out what it is!
Much love from,
Brianna and Ben
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