1. Purpose 2. Unity 3. Individuality 4. Curiosity 5. Care 6. Consistency 7. Authenticity.
If we do not intentionally work to ‘keep it real’ with our people, even our closest relationships will slowly begin to lack the thing that infuses them with meaning.
Truth.
Is being loved but not known really love?
We all desire to be loved. However, many of us many not necessarily realize that we equally want to be known.
Being known, truly known, precedes real love.
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
Keeping the feathers unruffled vs. keeping it real
Many of us have a deeply engrained drive to please people. We have come to believe that being agreeable is a quality that will lead to healthy relationship.
The presence of conflict often feels like a problem in a relationship. So, we avoid conflict and direct communication at the expense of honesty and authenticity.
Over time we realize that, even though our relationships feel like they are going ‘smoothly,’ they are missing something. The feathers remain unruffled, but our relationships aren’t filling our desire for authentic connection.
We can interact and engage with people all day long, but without truth, our relationships will lack the depth that make them significant and meaningful. Without authenticity, they will slowly and steadily become characterized by disconnect and resentment.
We want to really know those we love. And we long to be known by them. And this can only really be achieved if we learn, together, to communicate authentically.
‘Keeping it real’ becomes not only a colloquialism, but a pursuit, a habit, a journey, a challenge, and a shared aspiration.
Communicating authentically can be practiced and learned
Authenticity may seem like a quality people either have or don’t have. But really, being authentic is a quality, a skill, that can be practiced and learned.
It seems there are very few things in a relationship more unhelpful than suppressing our emotions or withholding our thoughts and feelings. We all do it to varying degrees for varying reasons: we believe our emotions are inconvenient, people don’t want to hear about them, they are not important enough, it’s not the right time, etc.
Sometimes we don’t trust that our loved ones want to know how we really feel or what we actually think. But, if we avoid sharing our real selves in order to avoid a conflict or difficult conversation, we will miss out on the depth of love that consistent, authentic sharing can lead to.
It is possible to learn the skills of communicating truthfully and authentically about both the good things and the hard things. In fact, learning to do so can be one of the most freeing, rewarding and connective things we will ever do in our relationships.
4 Principles to help practice authenticity, even when it’s hard
1. Intentional timing
Ask yourself if the person you want to grow in relationship with (communicate about something hard with) is hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Also ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired! Solve those before tackling conflicts or important conversations.
2. One step at a time
Seriously, taking one step is a big step. If you notice you’re creating a list of frustrations, resentments, or hurts in your head, heed that as a red flag! It’s bottling. It’s time to keep it real and share how you are really doing and what you are really feeling with your loved one. Sometimes all the ‘things’ feel intertwined and impossible to untangle. Just take the step of sharing one thing, and go from there.
3. Expect communication not perfection
If you don’t want to talk about something (the risk of ‘unsettling the smooth’ or ‘ruffling the feathers’ feels too high) recognize that as a sign of its importance. Take on the challenge of entering communication without the expectation of it going perfectly. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or your person when you get into it. You may create a mess, but now it’s a ‘known’ mess and you have a chance to clean it up together. What better picture is there of authentic relationship than naming something hard and facing it together in order to more deeply know and be known.
4. Balanced is best
Optimal communication happens when each person is contributing 50% of the time. It’s simple to say, harder to do, and certainly worth developing the awareness to recognize! This skill alone can sometimes help partners and loved ones pick a path through the most treacherous of conversations. If you tend to use a lot of words, slow down and listen. If you tend to hold back, push yourself to share.
Encouragement
Honesty leads to authenticity. Authenticity leads to truth. Truth allows us to truly know and be known. And knowing and being known leads to the deepest kind of love. It’s worth it to make the effort to keep it real with our people. What is one thing you’ve been holding back from sharing with a loved one? Glance at the principles above and pick the right time to share it this week. You might be surprised where it leads.
Much love from,
Brianna and Ben
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