Parenting Teammates Need a Shared Purpose to Focus On

“True love that now exist is the love I can’t resist, So jam by my side.

We’re Jammin’ (jammin’, jammin’, jammin’), yeah-eah-eah! I wanna jam it wid you”

Bob Marley, Jammin

Having a clear, shared purpose and vision to focus on and aim at is a foundational component of a parenting team. And that’s what partners and parents are … a team!

Defining (parenting) ‘team’

As far as we can remember, we first associated the idea of ‘team’ with sports. This is probably because, for many of us, the first team we were part of was a peewee soccer team. 😆

Sports teams are the most stereotypical example of ‘team.’ They are visible and memorable with all the team colors and jerseys, mascots and merch 😜. But even after stripping away all those hype elements, we think of sports teams as the classic example, the epitome of ‘team.’ This is because sports teams highlight and exemplify the qualities of a team in basic and straightforward ways:

1. Each player on the team has a specific skillset that they lean into and strengthen (eg. rebounds, score goals, set up plays, etc.).
2. Each person’s position on the team is defined clearly without much nuance (eg. goalie, offence, defence, etc.)
3. The end goal is clear (eg. get the ball in the net as many times as possible)

As we get a bit older, we realize there are many kinds of teams out there, and we are likely to have been part of some … things like leadership teams, worship teams, business teams, missions teams, etc. They are all just examples of people organizing themselves to effectively pursue a unified purpose.

And that’s what a team is – two or more people working together towards a shared vision, goal, or purpose.

Parenting team (yes, parents are teammates)

It’s not as common, it seems, to think of our marriages and families as teams! Why is this?

Perhaps the shared purpose is too big and too vague and too broad … something like ‘doing life together.’ Life is full and multidimensional, so defining the end goal can feel abstract in the context of family. It might be easier to consider parents as teammates if the shared vision was as clear cut as ‘get the ball in the net’ or ‘land x number of sales this month.’ 

But for parents, there are many, many end goals, and some of them are impossible to quantify or measure. Seeing each other as teammates is a hugely positive paradigm shift for handling the challenging and evolving necessities of family life. And defining a vision and family purpose together can have a profoundly galvanizing effect on us and our households! 

Parenting teammates need shared values and purpose

While the purpose of a sports team is easy to define (typically, to win 😆), the purpose of a parenting team is not so simple. Each person, couple, and family is unique and there are lots of ‘right’ answers when it comes to discerning and determining your family’s shared vision.

When teaming up with another person, there are subtleties and nuances to be sensitive to. We each bring our own histories, preferences, skills, assumptions, capacities, dreams, and desires to the table, which makes defining our shared purpose for something as broad as ‘family life’ pretty challenging. 

But it sure is a worthy challenge. And while it is sometimes a difficult process to go through,  it is an important one. In fact, it’s essential. As a team, parents need be united in how they want to lead their family and raise their children. 

Life rhythms help us pursue our family’s shared purpose

This is where life rhythms come in and prove to be pivotal! Rhythms are steps toward something – we need to ask ourselves, are the rhythms we’ve established in our families steps toward something purposeful? And toward a vision we have talked about and decided together to focus on for our family?

While a purpose can inspire us, rhythms propel us.  For them to be truly meaningful, it’s actually a necessity to intentionally define our goals, dreams, and vision for our family. On top of that, rhythms can help us understand our role in reaching those goals. They give clarity to our moments and shape to our days. And days add up to our weeks, our months, our years, our lives.

Defining ‘shared purpose’

To be a healthy, successful, collaborative parenting team, we need to have a united purpose, shared vision, and defined goals. We need to talk to one another and identify our individual skillsets, define our agreed upon roles, and determine the goals, the purpose, we are pursuing together.

Here are some practical questions to help discuss as a parenting team so you and your partner can define your shared purpose for your family:

1. What difference do we want to make in our community?
2. How do we want to value each member of our family? 
3. On our last day on earth, what would we look back on and be proud of?
4. What unique gift(s) does each of our family members have, and how can we help them thrive?
5. How do we want others to feel when they walk into our home?
6. If we had one final sentence to say to our kid(s), what would it be? And what would it look like to live it out?

Encouragement

As a parenting team, it’s important to allow ourselves to do some thorough processing, and it’s equally important to arrive at something clear. Decide on a comfortable, and immovable, deadline with your teammate to have the conversations that will lead you towards a united, shared purpose you both feel passionate and peaceful about!

Much love from,

Brianna and Ben